I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
