I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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