I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Randomize
