He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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