dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
