if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
