i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
