Your face is a jimmy john
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
