A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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