OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
