i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
