Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
