the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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