The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
