I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So squirting runs in the family.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
