the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
