hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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