i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
