Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
