All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
