If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
