its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
