shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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