I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
