He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The dick lei will go down in squad history