Texts From Last Night

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  (516): View more from New York

  the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

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  (516): the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice" http://tfl.nu/bgbh
  Replies (18) Good night (3991) Bad night (1011)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
  Replies (79) Good night (9285) Bad night (2898)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong

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  (912): I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong http://tfl.nu/xu91
  Replies (15) Good night (5481) Bad night (1142)
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  (209): View more from California

  Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

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  (209): Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work. http://tfl.nu/af2i
  Replies (5) Good night (3888) Bad night (817)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
  Replies (44) Good night (7374) Bad night (1889)
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  (518): View more from New York

  bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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  (518): bad decision saturdays are such a good decision http://tfl.nu/ffui
  Replies (3) Good night (3653) Bad night (916)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  im sober

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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  (815): im sober (920): you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive http://tfl.nu/hm58
  Replies (3) Good night (2459) Bad night (604)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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  (512): Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own http://tfl.nu/8nr0
  Replies (12) Good night (1878) Bad night (651)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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  (505): I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am. http://tfl.nu/o50r
  Replies (26) Good night (3622) Bad night (783)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did she buy you pizza?

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  (610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around. (215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd
  Replies (9) Good night (2339) Bad night (716)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.

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  (651): I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won. http://tfl.nu/jvx1
  Replies (1) Good night (1002) Bad night (451)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.

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  (734): I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game. http://tfl.nu/jsqs
  Replies (7) Good night (358) Bad night (667)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.

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  (978): Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup. http://tfl.nu/pt6l
  Replies (3) Good night (882) Bad night (332)
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  (925): View more from California

  Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.

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  (925): Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy. http://tfl.nu/3c9o
  Replies (1) Good night (661) Bad night (242)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.

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  (262): Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition. http://tfl.nu/kdlv
  Replies (2) Good night (942) Bad night (160)

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