My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
