I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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