And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
