everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
