Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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