anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
