i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
