a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
