I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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