Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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