ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize