forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
