dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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