That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
