Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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