all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
