Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
ok first of all what the fuck
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
