Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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