Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
People in love make me want to vomit
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
