They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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