This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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