Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
