Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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