The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
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