I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
