i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
