Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ladies don't puke and tell
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
