I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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