eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
did you just send me my own nude
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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