The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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