It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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