4 words: hood of his car
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
