I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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