i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
