dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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