I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm too high and old for this...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
